James, have you ever considered any form of anger management, or did you spend your summer on Gallifrey which is the only place in the galaxy it is acceptable practice to BEAT UP YOUR BEST FRIENDS.

So if Sirius' diary is buggered, and it's all Chinese...

he won't be able to read this, will he? And he won't know that I'M BEHIND HIM.

WITH BLUNT KNITTING NEEDLES.

FOR THE ATTENTION OF ALL:

Midnight tomorrow my doilies better be in my posession. I won't harm you much if I get them back before then. I'm not a threatening man. Usually.

But you should all be warned that I have knitting needles of various shapes and sizes. I'm not opposed to getting some bodily fluids on them.

RIGHT, WHICH ONE OF YOU TOSSERS DECIDED TO MAKE THIS THING HAVE A TASTE FOR MY DOILIES?!

I BET IT WAS YOU, SIRIUS YOU... YOU... PONCE!

ANYWAY. JUST MANAGED TO FIND THIS THING AND IT IS STAYING CHAINED TO MY BED, WELL AWAY FROM MY DOILIES.

You lot, what went on after my mother dragged me off? All I heard is the common room got absolutely wrecked - well, I saw that, but that's only a small detail.

I BET YOU ALL HAD A DRUNKEN ORGY. WITHOUT ME. WOE, I'M OFF TO WRITE ANGSTY POETRY ABOUT SO-CALLED FRIENDS WHO GO AND HAVE RAMPANT SEX BEHIND YOUR BACK. TRAITORS.

Erm, I got an owl from my mother today.

Padfoot, have you been offering your services as a male escort? If not, then how the hell does my mother - well, put it this way.

"I hope you've disassociated yourself with that rowdy bunch - especially that Sirius boy. His morals are looser than his pants."

Care to explain?